There was a wealth of revisionist Vietnam war films in the wake of Oliver Stones oscar winning "Platoon". Occasionally a low budget B movie can surpass the big studio competition. "The Siege of Firebase Gloria" is a minimalist, straightforward film about US Marines defending an isolated outpost in Vietnam, during the Tet offensive. It is directed by British expatriate, Brain Trenchard-Smith and stars R. Lee Ermey, Wings Hauser and Albert Popwell ("Hey, I've gots to know!").

While on reconnaissance, Sergeant-Major Hafner (R. Lee Ermey) comes across a destroyed village and surmises that "Charlie" is on the move. When the patrol arrives at Firebase Gloria, Hafner takes command from the drug crazed commanding officer and desperately tries to prepare the disorganised base for the impending assault. The chain of command refuses to acknowledge any potential danger and offers no help. Meanwhile NVA Col. Cao Van prepares his men to swarm and overrun the firebase, realising that such an attack will have a heavy death toll.

There's nothing remarkable about the story. It follows all the usual standards and ticks the appropriate boxes. But it's not only told with efficient skill, it's strikingly honest about the brutalities committed by both sides during the war. The Viet Cong are depicted with as much sympathy as the Americans and we see a little of the complicated politics of the country at the time . With clear and simply drawn characters, a workman like, yet at times amusing script, effective camerawork, "The Siege Firebase Gloria" paints a more vivid and unsettling portrait of the Vietnam war than far more pretentious movies in the genre. Ermey gives a grounded, genuine performance and it can be argued that he carries the film from the average to the worthy. Wings Hauser is a little over taxed as the burnt out Corporal suffering with PTSD. Albert Popwell provides solid support as the career soldier trying to maintain standards in environment where the "rules" are breaking down.

Unfortunately, this film is not currently available on DVD anywhere and so has to be viewed via retro technology such as VHS. Overlooked at the time of release, this plain and honest film joins the niche group of credible Vietnam war films such as "The Boys In Company C" and "Go Tell The Spartans". I recommended it to discerning fans of the genre. Below is a trailer created by a fan for your enjoyment.

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On paper "Taken" seems to be a fairly formulaic thriller. But on further investigation it boasts a more interesting pedigree than the competition. Written by Luc Besson and directed by Pierre Morel (Of "District 13" fame), this action driven story set in Paris, has all the benefits that come from a European production. But the most intriguing aspect of "Taken" is the casting of the lead character Bryan. Instead of relying on a known action star, the part is played by Oscar nominated actor Liam Nesson. As you can imagine, the results are not as you would expect.

Bryan (Liam Nesson), a retired secret agent, is trying to rebuild his relationship with his 17-year-old daughter Kim (Maggie Grace) who lives with his ex-wife (Famke Janssen) and her new husband. Kim, despite her fathers concerns, takes a trip to Paris with her friend Amanda on the pretext of seeing the sights.Her real motive is to follow U2 as they tour Europe. However, events take a bad turn when both girls are abducted by the Albanian Mafia to be sold into slavery. But they do not realise that Kim's Father has a unique set of skills that he can bring to bear in rescuing his daughter.

The plot is fairly formulaic. It has numerous holes and some may argue that it trivialises the issue of human trafficking. But this is an action film and therefore should not be considered an independent arbiter designed to inform on contemporary social problems. What it does have is a lead actor who is skilled in his craft, bringing an element of credibility and gravitas to a genre known for poor performances. There is also the advantage of a French director who approaches the subject with a little more respect than average US studio. There is no smug humour, designed to mitigate the violence. There is also no moral agenda, self justification or a requirement to achieve redemption. The characters do what they do and are what they are.

"Taken" has been rated PG-13 in the US. Recent films such as the Jason Bourne franchise, has shown that you can sell an action film without an excess of violence and that the devil is in the editing. Well "Taken" has fast paced editing, but despite this the fighting techniques and clinical manner in which people are dispatched is clearly shown. I'm very curious to see what rating this film receives from the BBFC when released in the UK in September.

"Taken" has it's flaws. It has a derivative plot and an ending similar to that of the 1979 action film "Ashanti". But it also has a exceptionally plausible fight scenes using credible techniques. Fight choreographer Olivier Schneider (Transporter, Kiss Of The Dragon & District 13) utilises throat punches, wrist and elbow locks, along with realistic knife usage and accurate gun stances. Liam Neeson, an ex boxer who is well over 6 foot, acquits himself well for a man of 56. I therefore recommended "Taken" to action fans and those who enjoyed such films such as the Bourne trilogy, as it's quality credentials lift it above the genre standard.

Here is the theatrical trailer for your enjoyment.

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By the time you read this review, the world and his wife will have expressed an opinion on Pixar's latest animated feature film, WALL-E. You may have thought to yourself, doesn't that robot look like Number Five from "Short Circuit"? Is this not "Silent Running" lite? The media pundits are already making bold claims like "Oscar winning material" and implying that means best film category rather than animated feature. Such excessive hype and spin associated with big budget studio productions, is not uncommon and the discerning viewer has long learnt to adjust their expectations accordingly. So taking these factor into consideration, does the film live up to its reputation? Has Pixar strayed too far from it's target audience or simply returned to the fundamentals of cinema?

Before I start, I'd like to stress one point. Do not judge "WALL-E" by Pixar's previous output. It is subtly different film altogether. Writer/Director Andrew Stanton has dared to think outside the confines of studio marketing demographics and make a film that on paper, contradicts what sells a film of this type. Firstly, for the initial 30 minutes, there is no dialogue. The central characters being machines do not verbally express themselves (at least not in obvious terms). Secondly, when the film moves on to its second act, the narrative explores rather adult themes of a dystopian future, corporative monopoly and sentient machine domination. The final part, raises the possibility of a tragic yet positive ending, invoking the old plot device of self sacrifice.

But it works! "WALL-E" proves once and for all, that animated films can be cerebral and transcend the perceived boundaries that they have. Visually it is an incredibly arresting film. It's scope and grandeur rivals many classic Sci-Fi features. Dennis Muren from ILM was hired as a technical advisor to try and recreate the spectacle of films shot in traditional anamorphic widescreen. But it is the characterisation that ultimately carries the story. The central protagonists despite their minimalist design, emote and exude pathos. You simply believe in them. The screenplay also utilises themes that are timeless within story telling. Loneliness, love, self sacrifice and integrity. I would also draw your attention to Thomas Newman's soundtrack which embellishes the story and never overwhelms or telegraphs the narrative.

Now despite my praise, there are a few caveats that I would like to highlight. "WALL-E" may not be ideal viewing for the very young or those with an attention span deficit. Due to the nature of the story and characters, you are not given the usual and obvious plot exposition. You have to watch, listen and consider, to determine what is going on for the first 30 minutes. Some of the broader humour has been replaced by a subtler reference to contemporary culture. There is also a lot of homage to films from the same genre. For example, Sigourney Weaver provides the voice for the ships computer and the sinister auto-pilot has a single red eye reminiscent of HAL-9000. So, as I stated earlier, do not expect "WALL-E" to be in an identical idiom to say "Toy Story" or "Finding Nemo".

In an age where western cinema is governed by commercial factors, it is unprecedented to see a picture of this nature being produced by such a mainstream organisation. "WALL-E" despite is superb production design and technical wizardry, ultimately succeeds because of its fundamental approach and themes. Chaplin conveyed a wide spectrum of emotion without the medium of sound, as does "WALL-E". Kubrick depicted the future in stark and clinical terms. Andrew Stanton shows us the irony of a culture that's lost it's humanity, but who rediscovers it from an inhuman source. At its core, this is a film about love and its imperative for all intelligent life forms. See "WALL-E" and rediscover quality cinema (as well as Michael Crawford and "Hello Dolly").

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Horizon has been the BBC's flagship science program for 40 years. 21 years ago, the series focused on the recently published "The Blind Watchmaker" by Richard Dawkins. The documentary of the same name, addresses the issue of intelligent design. An argument by the 18th century theologian Willam Paley, likened animal life to a watch. The complexity of such a device, shows the result of the guiding hands of a skilled craftsman. Therefore the intricacies of nature demonstrate the direct involvement of God.

Evolutionary zoologist Dawkins counters this position with the argument of random variation, filtered by non-random natural selection, making incremental changes to the form of a replicating system. Hence the analogy of a blind watchmaker. Through a computer model showing gene variation, Dawkins demonstrates his theory, mutating viable organisms with no plan, no view for the future and no mechanisms more sophisticated than random variation and differential survival.

This sort of documentary is increasingly rare these days. The emphasis is on evidence of substantiated data and fact. The BBC has been accused recently of playing down the scientific content of certain programs and emphasising the sensational and trying to make material "sexy" at the expense of credibility. However, this is not the case of "The Blind Watchmaker". Mr. Dawkins point of view is framed in a very measured and reasonable manner. I would therefore recommend this vintage documentary to people on both sides of the perennial debate. Perhaps the BBC will one day return to this traditional approach of scientific journalism and film making.

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Dreamworks "Kung Fu Panda" is a high concept animated feature film, that delivers exactly what the title and studio pedigree promises. As if it needs explaining, Panda Po (Jack Black) dreams of becoming a Kung Fu master like his heroes, the Furious Five. By accident, or possibly not, he chosen by kung fu master Oogway (Randall Duk Kim) to be the next Dragon Warrior, much to the disbelief of the Furious Five and their guru, Master Shifu (Dustin Hoffman). Particularly in light of the threat from renegade ex pupil Tai Lung (Ian McShane).

The plot, as you can see, is somewhat straight forward. Some quarters have noted that apart from the obvious visual humour and basic premise of a over weight Panda doing martial arts, that the film lacks the second tier of jokes aimed at the older viewer. They have been replaced to a degree by a cunning homage to the entire martial arts genre. From the obvious titles of recent years, such as "Hero" and "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" to more subtler ones such as "Drunken Master". The visual style is also lampooned to great effect. The soundtrack is evocative rather than obtrusive and avoids the traditional Eastern stereo types. I personally think that this is by far the most aesthetically pleasing film from this genre, so far.

Like any film, there are a few points you can nit pick over. For example there is an excess of celebrity voice talent, but Lucy Lui, Seth Rogen and Jackie Chan (playing the Furious Five members Snake, Mantis and Monkey respectively) have very little to do. Also there is the whole issue of violence. Despite this being a jovial cartoon, the under lying plot is basic centred around combat. The PG certificate is a wise decision by the BBFC and I'm sure if this film had been released over a decade ago there would have been problems. However, most enlightened adults will make an informed choice and take everything in context and in the right spirit. Finally, the best joke of the film is the theme of Po's father being a duck (or possibly goose). When the subject is finally broached, the answer is amusingly handled. "Kung Fu Panda" is my favourite of the summer releases so far.

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Until a copy was found by the BBC television in 1975, this was considered a lost film. "Where's That Fire?" is an often over looked comedy. Will Hay plays Captain Viking of the Bishop Wallop fire station in his usual seedy incompetent fashion. He and his trusty assistants Albert (Graham Moffatt) and Harbottle (Moore Marriott) run an antiquated Victorian fire tender but seldom put out any fires. After the Town Hall burns down they find that their jobs are on the line. Viking tries to solve their problems by inventing a new fire retardant foam and also renting the tender to a film production company, who may not be quite what they seem.

More ambitiously staged than most of the team's efforts, "Where's That Fire?" has several brilliantly orchestrated slapstick sequences. One has our trio trying to put up their new firemen's pole, causing a traffic jam, wrecking a china shop, bothering a man confined to bed with gout and finally demolishing his roof. Charles Hawtrey has an amusing cameos as a schoolboy 'swot' who provides geometrical and linguistic advice. There is also an elaborate FX sequence when a local garage gets set ablaze. Harbottle mistakenly connects the hoses to the fuel pumps instead of the water mains.

Ultimately, the film succeeds because of the timeless characters that have been created. Some of the jokes may have dated but the interaction between the three leads is still credible today. Hay's blustering inanity, Marriott's rambling Octogenarian and Moffatt's wide boy are all still accessible. The dialogue between them is loaded with that unique sense of British irony and sarcasm. Two visitors disbelieve that Hay is the Captain of the fire station. "Tell them what I am" he says to Graham Moffatt. "What? Out loud" he replies. "Where's That Fire?" is a wonderful piece of cinema, from a quieter more gentler time. Recommended to those seeking nostalgia and to those who may wish to familairise themselves with the work of Will Hay.

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Warning.

I have included some screen captures from this film which depict scenes of a violent nature. They may also spoil the plot. Please be aware of this before reading and scrolling down the page. XoD.

Paul Verhoeven's "Starship Troopers" was a biting satire on fascism and a milestone in the sub genre of "creature features". Then there was the odious low budget DTV sequel, "Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation". It suffered from a woefully low budget and poor screenplay. Now we have "Starship Troopers 3 Marauder", written and directed by Edward Neumeier(who wrote the screenplay of the original film)and starring Caspar Van Dien (reprising his role as Johnny Rico). The film will be released, again direct to video, on 5th August in the US and 29th September in the UK.

Well to start with, this film is low budget. It appears to be a a US/South African co-production and it's the financial restraints that seem to be the movie's weak spot. The CGI ranges from adequate to poor and this unfortunately spoils the over all package. The marauders of the tile only appear on screen at the end for a few minutes and the bugs seem to lack physical detail. Despite 11 years of software advances, the work done by Sony Imaging on the original is still streets ahead.

But what this film does have is a very tongue in cheek screenplay. Caspar van Dien throws himself back into character and picks up exactly where he left previously. We still have the "Fed Net" adverts and a lot of amusing if heavy handed criticism of contemporary US politics and fundamentalist religion. The story involving mind control, peace movements, bogus public figures, Christianity, and the ongoing bug war is very enthusiastic and rolls along a fast pace. This film certainly tries. 80's Brit screen queen, Amanda Donohoe makes an appearance as the scheming Admiral. Ex "Enterprise" star, Jolene Blalock, plays the feisty female lead (with really bad collagen injected lips!) and Stephen Hogan is the deranged Sky Marshall Anoke (oh, there's a change, another bad guy played by a British actor).

For fans expecting a big budget direct continuation of the original film, well this is not it Let's face it that was never going to happen. What you do get is a rather amusing and creative low budget add on, which despite it's clichéd nature, tries to provide an inventive plot and entertaining 100 minutes. Yes there are failings. The religious symbolism is heavily laboured towards the end and the the climax a little lacklustre. It has it's moments of gore, but is not as excessive as the first film. But despite these shortcomings, I enjoyed this cinematic outing because it's heart was in the right place. You can't say that about many films these days.

Brain bugs have unpleasant telepathic powers.

Mega brain bug.

The "marauders" of the title.

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Regardless of my opinion, or any negative reviews in the press, this film will be well attended and make a killing at the box office. Purely because of the bullet proof nature of the songs of ABBA, and the existing success of the stage show this film is based on. To a degree my review is somewhat superfluous. The target audience this film is aimed at will be going, come hell or high water. I'm also sure that those who are already are gritting their teeth and contracting their sphincters at the mere thought of this films existence, are also unlikely to alter their opinion, be it unfounded or not.

The production is efficient but not excessively exotic. The location work is not exceptional. Most of the film was shot ironically on the 007 stage at Pinewood. The cast acquit themselves as well as they can, considering the contrived dialogue that simply links each song tenuously. Meryl Streep approaches her songs as a method actor of here calibre does and delivers them as if they were Shakespearean dialogue (Remember Peter Sellers singing "A Hard Days Night" in the idiom of Laurence Olivier). Pierce Brosnan tries (and fails)to deliver his songs in an earnest fashion. Colin Firth is as graceful as Douglas Bader and Stellan Skarsgård (don't tell me he wasn't a last minute replacement)looks simply embarrassed.

Yet despite these flaws, the punters will love it. Fans will not be interested in analysing the way the film is constructed, the characterisation or performances. They just want to indulge themselves with some "feel good" (or is that "delude yourself") big screen karaoke. I doubt if you'll even get to hear the songs in some cinema's over the audience singing along. I just think that the studio could have spent a little bit more care and attention on the production. Stronger direction, better casting or at least better vocal coaches would have made this film marginally better. For me personally, if I want to listen to ABBA, I'll listen to a CD or MP3. It's infinitely better than listening to inferior cover versions.

"Mamma Mia" is ultimately destined to become an event or ritual for certain people. It will be obligatory to play the DVD if your having friends over and your part of a certain demographic. So again we return to whether its really relevant to offer any serious critique of the film. I found it fairly entertaining. The songs simply compensate for the fact that certain sequences and performances are bad. Julie waters shoulders a lot of the burden, being an extremely personable actress. It doesn't out stay its welcome with a running time of 109 minutes. This is the embodiment of cinematic Marmite. Make your choice accordingly. For those who are undecided, here's Meryl and Pierce singing together. You have been warned!

SOS. "Mamma Mia" OST. Performed by Meryl Streep & Pierce Brosnan.

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Is M Night Shyamalan suffering from Orson Welles/Steven Seagal syndrome? IE he's made all his best work at the beginning of his career? Seriously, I was one of the few that actually liked his last film "The Lady in The water", but even I could see why the audience assumed that he had become a victim of his own style and technique. I mean casting himself as an author whose work will reshape society is a little egotistical. Now we are confronted with "The Happening" a nebulously titled film that has aroused a lot of criticism from the viewing public due to it's tone and message.

Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel star as a couple caught up in the mass panic when a suicide-inducing toxin wreaks havoc on the East Coast of the US. They flee New York with work colleague John Leguizamo and his young daughter only to find that the disaster is spreading and and becoming more accurate in targeting humans. Again we have a film that raises the theme of how humans deal with extreme situations and the threat of their own mortality. Also there are some interesting themes about the environment and nature. Especially the topical matter of the ongoing disappearance of the honey bee.

Sadly, while the initial premise is engaging, its execution adds further weight to the argument that Shyamalan should defer to more accomplished screenwriters capable of developing his ideas. Despite a excellent cast, the dialogue is crass, leaving the actors with little to do except emote sincerely. There is also an air of sanctimony about the screen play that rather spoils the intriguing premise. The director also employs a rather crude visual device to imply impending danger from the environment, that when you analyse, is completely implausible, within the confines of a story that has already required you to make a substantial suspension of disbelief.

Yet, despite these criticisms, there are some rather stand out sequences that show a great deal of creative flare. There's a rather shocking scene when construction workers start to hurl themselves off the roof of the building they're working on. A tracking shot following a Police officers gun as it is used in subsequent suicides, is also impressively realised. Once again, composer James Newton Howard has embellished Shyamalan's work exceptionally. The two seem to have a creative relationship on a par with Hitchcock and Herrmann.

In the US, the distributors seem to have made much of the fact that this is the directors first "R" rated movie. Perhaps they saw this as it's only virtue. It should be noted that the film seems to have been pre-cut by the distributors for the European market. It is hard to discern the motive for this. In the UK it is a known fact that the BBFC is cautious about material depicting suicide. However, none of the attempts shown in the "The Happening" seem easily imitable. Some of the scenes that are toned down for the international market are as follows:

* The stainless steel hair pin piercing the throat during the suicide at the beginning.
* A man having his arm bitten off by lions.
* A man dying under a lawnmower.

This may result in a stronger "uncut" R2 release at a future date, enabling 20th Century Fox to maximise their profits on a title they seem a little unsure about.

"The Happening" is a sad case of missed potential. The characters are weak and not especially likeable. A rift in the main protagonists relationship turns out to be only minor. It would have been far more challenging if one was actually an adulterer, thus making their redemption harder to achieve. A greater sense of panic is also needed along with clearer examples of social disorder and breakdown, that such an event may bring. Let us hope that Mr. Shyamalan's next project improves upon this work.

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I was channel surfing earlier this evening when I stumbled across "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Daughter", a feature film starring Herman's Hermits! Now I appreciate that after the success of the Fab Four's "A Hard Days Night" and "Help", several popular bands tried to follow in their wake. The Dave Clark Five made "Catch Us If You can" (directed by John Boorman) and there were numerous vehicles for Cliff Richard. Apparently, Herman's Hermits were signed to MGM records in the US and it was standard marketing practise to make at least one feature film vehicle for their best selling artists. This included Hank williams, Connie Francis and Roy Orbison. Hence this film.

So to the plot. When Herman Tulley inherits his Grandfather's most prized possession, a greyhound named Mrs. Brown, he and his friends (Barry, Keith, Karl, and Derek) decide to make their fortune racing the dog. After the animal has won the Manchester heat of the National Greyhound Derby, Herman meets wealthy Londoners Mr. and Mrs. Brown and their daughter Judy, a model. Hoping to see Judy again, Herman and his friends decide to take the dog to London for the derby finals and to see if they can find fame with their band.

Sounds harmless enough, doesn't it? Well so you would think. But the plot doesn't follow the usual path you'd expect from such films. The hero doesn't get the girl of his dreams at the end. The dog doesn't win the race it's been entered for. The guys do not find fame with their band. The songs are very eclectic, with one, "The World Is for the Young" verging on suicidal melancholy. There are also some seriously outdated social attitudes displayed, particularly towards women. A young lady is told that if she doesn't stop following them (the band) she'll get "sloshed". When Herman's girlfriend expresses and interest in accompanying them to London, she is told that it's fine as long as she doesn't mind "Cooking and cleaning for five guys". There is also a lot of violent pub brawls and market fights that seem out of step with the rest of the film.

Frankly, this film really threw me. It's just so bizarre and incongruous. The concept of using a film to promote a band seems to have died out these days. I'm sure this comes down to simple financial costs and the fragmentation of the music industry. The last movie of this ilk being "Spice World" and that was an event for the time. File under "Right turn, Clyde".

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Tim Vine took time out from his successful "The Punslinger Tour" on Friday to make a one off appearance at the Bloomsbury Theatre, London, to record his new DVD. Entitled "So I said to this bloke..." the audience were treated to 85 minutes of quick fire pun related jokes and sight gags in his inimitable style. For those of you not familiar with Mr. Vine here is a quick biography, courtesy of Wikipedia.

Tim Vine's stand-up act consists primarily of a series of quick-fire one-liners and puns. On 7th October 2004 Vine broke the Guinness World Record for the most jokes told in an hour with 499, beating the previous record of 362. Each joke told by Vine had to get a laugh from the paying audience to count toward the record. He held the record until May 2005. Vine has taken his comedy act on a tour of the United Kingdom, most recently in his February 2006 tour entitled "Current Puns". His new tour "Punslinger" with all-new material started on April 28th 2008 and will take Tim all around the UK. See tour dates on timvine.com

In an age were comedians are either politically cynical or obsessed with pushing the boundaries of what is acceptable, Tim Vine simply embraces the daft, bizarre and the countries love affair with linguistic word play. The puns are often so contrived you can see them coming a mile off. But they are delivered with such sincerity and earnestness, that the whole act is hard to resist. If you like "Monty Python", "The Goons" or the monologues of Ronnie Barker, you'll see where Tim Vine's inspiration comes from. It's an act you need to experience to fully appreciate, as it's difficult to verbally extol the virtues of such acts as pen behind the ear, or flag Hippo.

It's refreshing to see that the success of mainstream sitcom "Not going Out" has not deterred Mr. Vine from pursuing his comic roots. The DVD should be out in October in the UK, and until then I would whole heartedly recommend his first offering "Tim Vine Live". For those still none the wiser, here are a selection of his rapid fire gags. Enjoy.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought, "This is unusual". Then the dentist said to me, "Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet".

I was reading this book, 'The History of Glue'. I couldn't put it down.

I got a job as the Duke of Edinburgh's hairdresser. The other day I parked outside Buckingham Palace and a policeman came up to me and said "have you got a permit?" And I said, "no, I've just got to take a bit off the back".

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

Exit signs. They're on the way out, aren't they?

When I was at school people used to throw gold bars at me. I was the victim of bullion.

So I went to the doctor and he said, "You've got hypochondria." I said, "Not that as well!"

Velcro, what a rip-off...

I was playing the piano in a bar and this elephant walked in and started crying his heart out. I said "Do you recognise the tune?" He said "No, I recognise the ivory".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought - he's trying to pull a fast one.

You invented Tippex... Correct me if I'm wrong.

I was in Tescos, and saw this man and woman wrapped in a bar code. I said "Are you two an item?".

A lorryload of tortoises crashed into a train full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bi-satchel.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

Advent Calenders, Their days are numbered.

So this bloke came up to me and said 'I've just dropped my scrabble set on the pavement'. I said 'Really? What's the word on the street?'

I went to a Party dressed as Sodium Chloride. Someone threw Hydrochloric Acid over me. I didn't know how to react.

At least it's comfortable on Eurostar. It's murder on the Orient Express.

I went down my local video store. I said "can I take out the elephant man?". He said he's not your type. I said "can I have Batman Forever?". He said you have to bring it back tomorrow. I said what about another 48 hours. He said tomorrow.

Its strange. You scream "Ahhhhhh" in a library and everyone hates you. You do the same on an aeroplane and everyone joins in.

I don't do jokes about the verb to jump out and scare people - that's To-boo.

So I took the M4 out of London, and someone said 'Put it back.'

A cowboy walks into a German car dealer and says "Audi!"

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

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"Megiddo: The Omega Code 2" is the sequel to the 1999 film "The Omega Code". Technically, the film is a prequel (plot wise) which covers Alexander Stones rise to power and depicts his feud with his younger brother. It leads to the battle at Megiddo and here the story deviates from the events shown in the first film. It had a substantially larger budget and benefits from superior direction by Brian Trenchard-Smith. Again rated PG-13, but at least this time the climatic battle is fairly well executed.

Is this film an improvement on the first? Well not entirely. The script is still weak and there seems to be little insight into the forces of good. God and Jesus are seldom mentioned and the plot still focuses on the rise of the beast. The production values are higher and some of the action scenes have fairly good CGI. However, the destruction of the coliseum is poorly done. There is also a good cast of established character actors, such as Michael Biehn, David Hedison, Udo Kier and Franco Nero. In a fit of inspired casting, R Lee Ermey plays the president of the United States!

But unfortunately the weak script lets them down. Considering the nature of the plot, you would expect some flamboyant dialogue and clever theological cut and thrust. Also, one thing that struck me. What is the Pope doing during these proceedings? In fact how does Islam react to these events? The screenplay chooses to omits these plot lines. There is also no mention of the number of the beast. You do not have to be a major religious scholar to start finding plot holes.

However despite these shortcomings, this is by and large a more enjoyable film than it's predecessor. The reliable cast tackle the screenplay and plot with determination. I still got the feeling that I was watching a sanitised version of a "The Final Conflict". I would assume that the financiers of this film had a clear religious agenda which prevented them from exploring the full potential of the subject matter. Put this film on your "B" list and watch when your in a forgiving mood. Oh and there's no reference to the code of the title in this movie.

XoD.

"The Omega Code", directed by Robert Marcarelli, is a thriller film starring Casper Van Dien as lifestyle guru Dr. Gillen Lane, and Michael York as the industrialist politician Stone Alexander. Its main plot presents an Evangelical Christian view about the end of days, and a plot by the Antichrist's to take over the world. The film is based on a novel written by televangelist Paul Crouch, head of the Trinity Broadcasting Network. This film beat the box office returns of "Fight Club" on its opening weekend in 1999.

Where to start? This film is a mess yet a fascinating one. The budget is small and it shows in some of the production values. The plot and dialogue are derivative in some respects yet a lot of research has been done regarding the religious prophecies depicted. The story focuses of how Dr. Lane a lapsed Christian, come to work for Stone Alexander. Using his PR skills he aids Alexander as he rises to become the head of the EU, slowly starts to control world politics. What he does not know is that Alexander is in fact using a secret cipher stolen from Jewish scholars to unlock the title code that reveals hidden prophecies in the bible.

The direction is poor and the script clichéd and predictable. Yet there are some interesting performances, especially from York. Genre favourite, Michael Ironside appears as a defrocked priest turned assassin. In some respects this comes across as "The Omen" lite, but the fundamental story holds interest. It raises many questions and yet for a religious driven product there's a lot about Satan but precious little about Jesus. The PG-13 rating is not really justified and those looking for action will be disappointed. Those that follow current affairs and have an interest in history and the bible may find the story stimulating.

A better director, tighter script and larger budget would have greatly improved this film. Yet despite these factors the film still performed well in the US market. No doubt due to heavy promotion at a parish level. It spawned a prequel which attempted to address some of the criticisms raised. Overall "The Omega Code" has limited appeal both to Christians and non Christians. For those who like this genre but in a more traditional fashion, I'd recommend the 1977 Italian "The Omen" rip-off "Holocaust 2000" staring Kirk Douglas.

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Melissa Ruger (Candice Bergen) is a school teacher married to Cattle Baron, Brandt Ruger (Gene Hackman). Ruger is incensed when his wife is abducted by outlaw Frank Calder (Oliver Reed) and his gang. He quickly arranges a posse of business associates and equips them with the latest long range hunting rifles with telescopic sights. He then sets off on Calder's trail, but it soon becomes apparent that he may have other motives than rescuing his wife.

Shot in Spain, this gritty western has a strong cast and an intriguing premise. Calder has kidnapped Melissa to teach him to read. Ruger, a brutal sadistic man, merely wants to demonstrate that no one touches his property. Melissa is drawn to Calder despite his outlaw persona. However director Don Medford fails to develop these story lines and opts to shock with brutal slow motion shootouts. The long range rifles allow Ruger to pick off Calder's men from a great distance.

Despite the films shortcoming it is very interesting to see Oliver Reed in a western and he acquits himself as well as he can with the material available. There is an solid soundtrack by Riz Ortolani and good make up effects by José Antonio Sánchez. The 70's produced many hybrid westerns and this is an example of one that ultimately fails to work. This is due to competing with Sam peckinpah in violent content whilst neglecting the storyline.

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Incarcerated in a POW camp for 8 years, during the Vietnam War, Major Charles Rane returns back home as a national hero and is awarded a silver dollar for everyday of his ordeal. Despite the positive press coverage, the reality is far different. Alienated from his family, institutionalised, he sleeps in the garage unable to adjust. An attack by criminals after his silver dollars, leaves him maimed and his wife and son dead. He survives the ordeal and seeks revenge, knowing that it will bring him no peace or serve any purpose. It is simply the only option he has.

Vigilante and revenge films were big box office in the 70's. What makes "Rolling Thunder" a cut above the rest is that it was written by Paul Schraeder. Overlooked on its initial release this low-budget gem boasts well defined characters and paints a credible picture of the psychological trauma suffered by US veterans. John Flynn's hard-hitting direction aided by outstandingly performances by William Devane, Linda Haynes and Tommy Lee Jones, bleakly shows three disconnected souls trying to survive in a world that they no longer can function in

Initially a human drama confronting the issues faced by returning Vietnam soldiers, it suddenly transforms into a brutal, nihilistic revenge film . Paradoxically, violence is never glamorised. It is simply shown as an inevitable consequence. The narrative is aided by Barry DeVorzon soundtrack and Jordan Cronenweth's stark photography. The deadpan script is sparse, but still conveys the torment and bleakness of the central protagonists.

As a whole, "Rolling Thunder" is an extremely well acted, written and crafted film. It touches on many social issues but rather than moralising about them, merely shows them for what they are. The ending is dour and violent. But could there have been any other outcome? Recommended.

"The Protector" was one of Jackie Chan's first attempts to break into the US film industry. However, due to an ill conceived notion of how to utilise his abilities and market him, it was a failure. To this day, none of Jackie Chan's films that have been made outside of Hong Kong/China have been an adequate showcase for his talent. The recent "Rush Hour" trilogy, although trying to utilise his comic skills have still fallen between two stools.

"The Protector" contains many elements that you do not usually see in a Jackie Chan film, such as excessive violence, nudity and profanity. The film's director, James Glikenhaus (of "The Exterminator" fame) had thrashed out a water tight contract that gave him strict creative control. Possibly his aim was to create an Eastern Clint Eastwood? But this sort of street cop action flick would have better suited Chuck Norris or other established star.

The set pieces and stunt work are adequate by US standards, but failed to achieve the levels of his back catalogue. Apparently, Glickenhaus would be satisfied after as little as 8 takes, which was heresy by Jackie Chan's standard. The dialogue is especially clumsy and makes no concessions to the fact that Mr Chan's English was poor at the time. I mean, who decided the name "Laura" would be suitable. Despite support from characters actor Danny Aiello, the whole proceedings are somewhat poor. Ultimately this robbed the US market from seeing the true ability of Hong Kong's finest.

Jackie Chan refused to release the finished film in the far east in its original version and shot new scenes and re-edited the movie. After reducing the violence and all of the profanity and nudity, a new subplot was added with extra characters. New action sequences were also filmed and they were inserted to compliment the original. Ultimately through this experience "Police Story" got made which is a seminal piece.

"The Protector" in its US format is therefore not recommended to anyone other than die hard fans. There is the added irony of Jackie Chan singing the excruciating end title song, which again belies the fact that the man has had considerable success as a singer in Hong Kong.

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I have often tried to summarise what I like about the work of Italian composer Ennio Morricone and I always fail. His style and technique are always distinguishable, yet he has produced a diverse body of work. Furthermore, some of his best material is for some of the worst films. He frequently breaks the rules, for example composing a film score before production has finished and sometimes before he has even seen any footage. Through discussions with the director and writers he simply creates what he feels the characters and setting require. But I feel that his talent manifests itself through the simple fact that the audience just instinctively react to his work in a very emotional way.

Here are three tracks from very different films which I enjoy and would like to share with you.

1.) "Chase" is taken from the 1982 sword and sorcery film "Hundra", starring Laurene Landon. The cue is from a chase sequence in the movie and highlights Morricone's skill at literally interpreting the on screen action in to musical terms.

2.) "Il Grande Silenzio" is the title theme from the Sergio Corbucci western "The Great Silence". The cue is for the title character, Silence, as he rides his exhausted horse through the snow driven mountains.

3.) "Four Friends" is from "The Untouchables". This emotional motif is used in several scenes though out the film and to greatest effect during Sean Connery's death scene.

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